Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
