every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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