Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
