dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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