He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
