Your face is a jimmy john
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
