i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
