I'd wear matching sweaters with you
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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