i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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