The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
