Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
