Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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