she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
