what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
