So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
