Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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