Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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