wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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