mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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