Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
