I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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