Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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