He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
