dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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