my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
