I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
