My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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