I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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