I need to stop coming to work sober
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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