I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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