In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
