he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
