Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
