woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
