she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss