some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.