Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
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Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
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The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.