Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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