fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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