Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
