last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
