Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
