They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
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Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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