I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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