I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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