Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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