Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
