Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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