last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
