I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You are the jesus of drinking
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
