My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
