Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
