I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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