Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
