I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
