I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
