well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
