I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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