i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
