You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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