This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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