I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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