Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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