Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
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